Knowing how my friends have a tendency to blurt things out left and right, my mother always giving negative advice and my teachers just asking so they'll have some nice gossip in the lounge, I can't. The only people I can really trust are god and my dog- Buddy.

with myself - sometimes
with others - almost always

Generally, no, it is not hard for me to be honest about how I feel ~~ but having had some events happen recently that have sparked off completely new emotions, I am starting to remember just why it was so hard to get through the teenage years...!

I have had a lot of life experiences but bereavement (apart from miscarriages, which, I still feel, are a valid reason for grief) has been rare enough that a friend dying of a sudden illness only eight days ago has left me feeling... well, completely "odd" is maybe the only way to describe it. I feel like I don't know myself at the moment... I had to come to terms with death because of another matter a long time ago, so it isn't the fact that she is dead that, well yes... hurts is the word I'm looking for... something is making me hurt but what exactly, apart from a terrible sadness for her family, I really am not sure. I can't seem to absorb the fact of her death, even though I do know she is not coming back... I'm worrying that it's actually a very selfish feeling, this weirdness, that it may be just as much me mourning a stage in my life as it is to do with her death and that makes me feel bad, to realise that I'm still as selfish as when I was a teenager, my first reaction to consider how it affects me when it clearly is not really about me... although, I suppose everyone needs to work out how they are feeling before beginning to cope with that feeling... I haven't been sleeping, I'm anxious about my family and other friends and a bit angy with the world that so few people do care that she has gone, as well.

The circumstances were relatively quick so fears I thought were conquered, about the world being a safe place, have resurfaced and bought back shadows of memories I thought were forgotten. Actually, I don't know why these fears are connected, there is no logical reason apart from that sometimes, unexpected, random bad things can occur. Do occur. Often, not sometimes.

I'm probably being far too detailed here about how I'm feeling or rather, not knowing at all how I am feeling...

There is something more that is confusing me as well, caught me by surprise, really and that is someone I thought of only as a friend is behaving as if we mean very much more to each other. Again, teenager-ish feelings! My son, who isn't even twenty yet has more grasp of feelings like this than I do! It isn't something I can discuss with anyone, either... nothing explicit has happened, unlikely as well, this man is quite a bit younger than me and I'm sure he is as confused as I am about this, yet we talk nearly every day, send long emails, he is on my mind at odd times and my stomach does butterflies... he has said many times that he feels we understand each other in a way that happens rarely and I agree, we do... and that is more important than anything physical that won't likely happen, he has moved up in importance through my friends till it feels like the connection has gained massive significance, at a time when we both were lonely, not for friends, but because everyone around both of us were experiencing life-changing events, like re-marriage, moving away, births, first loves (for my son and nephews...) and so, having to get used to not being the first and most important with people who had seen us, in their different ways, as that most important person... oh

This is probably a very clear answer that it isn't hard for me to try to be honest about how I feel, but how I wish it were a little less turbulant and confusing at the moment... it is certainly hard to work out what I feel...

OMG apologies, have just seen what a very long answer it is... sorry. I'll just leave it long.

Its hard to be honest sometimes, because u feel like there is no other choice to look into. Sometimes u have to lie to make things better for yourself and others. There is no "HONEST" person in this world.

no but I am tactful about how I express that and to whom.